Flora Vox
by Laume
Summary: AU. Very, very AU. Voldemort is bored. He demands his death eaters entertain him. Giving Wormtail a wand and permission to do a spell is always a bad idea. Poor Snape...or is he? rated T for vague allusions to adult themes, just to be sure.
1. Chapter 1

Death Eaters were gathered in the living room of Riddle Mansion, sitting around doing…nothing.

Voldemort, who was not only bored, but sick and tired of being in Harry Potter's head all the time, was relaxing with a mug of hot chocolate.

"I'm bored," he declared, "Bella. Entertain me."

The witch paled slightly. "Erm…very well, my Lord."

She set herself in an appropriate pose and sang, hesitatingly and horribly off-key: "The sun'll come out, tomorrow, let's forget the worries and the sorrow…"

"SILENCIO!"

"Thank you, Severus," Voldemort said appreciatively, "but I'm still bored. MacNair?"

"I could do my throwing knives act, my Lord, if there's a volunteer…"

Bellatrix' singing must have temporarily deafened all Death Eaters, since no one stepped forward.

"Another time, MacNair," Voldemort said lazily, "Wormtail. Entertainment. Now."

"Y-Yes, Master," the ratfaced man stuttered, "I…I learned a spell from my uncle once, Master…Shall I demonstrate it?"

With a flick of his hand, Voldemort gave his permission.

Wormtail excitedly pointed his wand at Severus, who was looking at the proceedings sceptically, and intoned: "FLORA VOX!"

For a moment, nothing happened. Voldemort was just about to use the Cruciatus curse on Wormtail so he would have at least SOME entertainment, when a flash of rainbow light blinded the room.

For a moment, they saw Snape's eyes open wide in fear and confusion. Then he sighed deeply.

"Ssseverusss?" Voldemort hissed, wondering if he would have to kill Wormtail yet for breaking his Potions Master.

"VOLDIE!" Snape cried happily, and rushed forward to hug the snakeman, "Dude, how are you? Do you know who dressed me like a Goth?"

He playfully swatted at the wand Voldemort trained on him once he had freed himself from Snape's embrace.

"Wow, put that down, make love, not war, man!"

Looking at his robes, Snape shook his head. "I'll be right back, peeps…gotta change out of these horrid clothes!"

Voldemort turned to Wormtail, who stood trembling.

"Peter…." The Dark Lord inquired, "what exactly did your uncle tell you about that spell? And that incantation…"

"Flora…Vox…Master," Peter whimpered.

"Flower Power," Voldemort translated, "What on earth is Flower Power, Wormtail? And WHAT has happened to my Potions Master?"

"I-I-do not know, Master," Wormtail sobbed, "I don't know."

Snape skipped back into the room. The assembled Death Eaters stood gaping at him.

He had nicked Rastaban's orange linnen pants. Over it, he was wearing Goyle's lurid Hawaii shirt – several sizes too big for him. He had apparently been into Bellatrix's jewelry box, and was wearing a silver earring, and a bracelet of wooden beads. His own dark sunglasses he had kept, but he was wearing them on his head rather than his nose. His black hair was tied back and adorned with a flower.

Around his neck, he wore a simple leather string with a flower attached to it.

"Don't cry, Peter!" he comforted, "Here, take one of these."

He handed the snivelling man what looked like one of Bertie Bott's every flavored beans.

Peter swallowed it. Soon his eyes glazed over and he sank to the ground, boneless, a completely happy grin on his face.

Voldemort was too baffled to even cast a little Cruciatus. He bit his lip and tried not to burst into tears. Apparently Snape noticed, because he was once again engulfed in a hug.

"There, there, old man," Snape patted the abomination's back, "let it all out. It's a very tough life for you, isn't it, what with being a resurrected disembodied spirit and all."

"Y-yes," Voldemort sniffed, "and…and now my Death Eaters have gone crazy…"

Suddenly he realized what he was doing and pushed Snape away.

"SEVERUS! Don't EVER hug me again! You'll be begging for the Killing Curse if…"

"Oh, oh, oh, what anger you have," Snape shook his head, "that can't be good. Now, what's this about a war I hear?"

"We are taking over the Wizarding, and indeed, the whole World, Snape," Lucius drawled, "needless to say that involves some minor bloodshed."

"Well, we can't have that," Snape decided. He took out a leather pouch and some thin papers.

The Death Eaters watched in fascination as he put a bit of the tangled weed from the pouch on the papers and rolled it up. When he had enough for all of them, he handed them one each.

"Try it. Put one end in your mouth like this…" he demonstrated, "and light the other end with your wand. Suck."

Coughing fits ensued, but at last all Death Eaters got the hang of it.

"This is….surprisingly nice," Lucius smiled.

"Yeah," Bella confirmed, leaning against Rastaban, "not bad, Snape."

"I know," Snape smiled benignly, "now, about this war. I think we ought to organize a protest against it. It'll be really groovy."

"Groovy?" Crabbe asked.

"Yeah. Far out. Cool. That sort of thing. I say we organize a march on Diagon Alley and then hold a sit-down protest on the steps of the Ministry."

"But the Ministry doesn't have steps," Bellatrix remarked, eyes slowly closing, a peaceful look on her face, "it has a phonebooth."

"Well, we march through Diagon Alley and then we surround the phonebooth, then," Snape decided.

"Yeah," was the murmered agreement of the rest of the group. Voldemort threw down his wand and burst into tears, attracting their attention.

"Oh man," Snape said, "Come on, folks, group hug."

Under the influence…well, basically just under influence, all Death Eaters surrounded their boss and put their arms around him.

"No! Let go!" Muffled sounds emerged, "Nagini! Assist me!"

The snake, however, had inhaled the fumes of the stuff the Death Eaters had been smoking, and was currently doing a fairly accurate impersonation of the enchanted snake of and Indian Fakir.

"Now come along!" Snape said, "To the Alley!"

Albus Dumbledore was sitting in his office, when a frantic Minister appeared in his Floo.

"ALBUS! We have a crisis!"

"What is it, Cornelius? Lemon drop?"

"No, no, no! The Death Eaters have marched on Diagon Alley…"

Dumbledore immediately stood up. "I'll call the Order…"

"No, Albus, you don't understand!" Cornelius sounded very whiny, Dumbledore realized suddenly.

"Albus, they are protesting against the war! They carry signs and cloth things with…with words on them! They have held an anti-war demonstration, and now they have surrounded the entrance to the Ministry. They're sitting there."

"Sitting there, Cornelius?" Albus asked in confusion.

"Yes, Albus, SITTING. They are sitting in a circle around the phonebooth. DO something! The Muggles will notice any moment now!"

"Cornelius…"

"SEVERUS SNAPE is leading them, Albus! You…you should see him! He's…different."

"What do you mean…different?" Dumbledore was starting to worry. What if Severus had given away his spy status? Or worse…what if Severus had returned to Voldemorts side?

He quickly banished that thought. Snape wouldn't do that. He trusted him with his life.

However, he did trust Snape's sanity when he arrived at the entrance to the Ministry.

There, sitting down on the floor, led into a meditative trance by Snape, was a large group of Death Eaters. As far as Dumbledore could tell, the only one missing was Voldemort himself. The Death Eaters seemed to be enjoying what Albus had heard Muggles describe as 'seegareds'. They looked calm and peaceful, their legs crossed in front of them, their arms resting on their knees.

"Severus," Dumbledore said, astonished, taking in the man's…unusual outfit.

"Hello Albie, my good man," Snape said, opening one eye.

"Where…Where is Tom?" Dumbledore barely managed.

"Well, Albie, Tom is having some difficulties accepting this 'free love' and 'no war' thing," Snape explained, "but he'll come round."

"S-Severus…" Albus ran out of words.

"Come join us, old man," Snape shifted a bit, "tell us some stories from peaceful times. LOVE the beard, by the way. Would you like me to embroider some flowers into it?"

Dumbledore took a deep breath. "Why yes, my boy, that would be spiffing."

And to the astonishment of the Minister, he joined the circle.

"Severus, how did this come about?"

Snape dexteriously wove flowers in the long white beard and smiled.

"I don't know, Albie. Wormtail over there…well, Wormtail isn't a really nice name, is it? I renamed him. His name is now Daffodil. Anyway, Daffy over there tells me he hit me with a spell. Voldie must really love me, deep down, because he was mighty upset by it. But, a few group hugs and he was on his way to recovery. So now we're protesting against the war."

"I see," Dumbledore nodded, "and what is that stuff you are smoking?"

"Grass, man. The best. I never understood why Pomona keeps half a greenhouse full of that stuff, but now I do. Nicked some to see if I could use it in potions, but smoking it is way better."

"Ah. Well, Severus…you see, I'm afraid not many people will be accepting of this…change."

Snape seemed genuinly puzzled. "Whyever not, Albie? Living as brothers and sisters, love everyone, and all that?"

"Yes, but Severus, your friends here have hurt many people. Harry, for one, will not be all too pleased if he has to love the woman who killed Sirius Black."

"Sirius Black?" Snape frowned, "Oh. Poor man, to be saddled with such a name. Such a gloomy color, don't you think, black? I know! From now on we will call him Sirius Violet. Violet is a happy color. Now, what did you say about Sirius Violet? Oh yes. Harry. Well, it will take some tapping into the earth and finding our universal kindred spirit, but I am confident that Harry and Lotus…Bellatrix…will eventually learn to appreciate each other. Perhaps a love-fest first, where they can meet in a group so it won't be too awkward? Neither would have a wand, as clothes are prohibited, so there's no danger there…"

"SEVERUS!" Dumbledore interrupted Snape's rant, "This…this just won't do. Tom…Bellatrix…it…you are under a spell!"

Snape shook his head. "Oh dear, Albie…I'm afraid you have a lot of anger and resentment as well. Tom seems to have trouble letting go too."

He sighed deeply. "The world is such a wonderful place, you know. Let's all love each other. Peace, man!"

Dumbledore's hand slowly crept towards his hand. A quick Finite…

"Albie! That is NOT the spirit of love," Snape admonished him, "Whatever am I to do with you two? Ah. Voldie and I will meet you on the lawn of Hogwarts. I'm sure that getting in touch with your deeper emotions and a joint meditation session will be beneficial to both of you."

Before Dumbledore could protest, Snape stood up.

"Hogwarts tomorrow," he smiled, hugging the Headmaster.

The old man was so surprised he hugged back without a word.

"Well, I think the Ministry got the message," Snape said, "Come along, gang. There's plenty more weeds where that came from. Daffodil, do you want another pill?"

And just like that, the entire group was gone…apparated away.

Dumbledore could only hope they wouldn't find bits of Death Eater splinched all over the country.

On the other hand…


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: What I forgot to mention before: This story is written for the humor contest of the Third Floor Corridor. That is my only excuse. Well, that, and that I'm seriously sleep-deprived.**

Part two: Snape attempts to reconcile Voldemort and Dumbledore, and Wormtail has to chose between two evils: living the rest of his life as 'Daffodil' or face the wrath of a dispelled Snape. Poor chap.

Snape, who had been meditating all night, jumped up excitedly, and rushed to Voldemorts bedroom. He stepped over the completely-out-of-it Death Eaters who were laying around the house. Removing Goyle from his path was a bit difficult, but he managed it eventually.

"VOOOLDIE! Wakey wakey!"

"Go away, Severus," the man hissed, "before I curse you."

"You'll feel better after a nice cuppa," Snape assured him, "and as luck would have it, we are going to Hogwarts. Albie has the most wonderful tea I ever tasted."

"Hog…" was all Voldemort had time to say as a Portkey was pressed into his hand, and he landed, in his boxers and Sesame Street shirt, on the Hogwarts lawn.

Albus Dumbledore had not had an agreeable night. He had tossed and turned most of the night, torn between concern over his Potions Masters well-being, whether or not he had been revealed, or had revealed himself, as a spy, and not to mention, he worried about his state of mind. Although the spell DID make Snape a lot easier to get along with. He would have to investigate if milder versions were available.

A colorful parrot brought in a note.

"Dear Albie,

This note is a Portkey to meet Voldie and myself. It will activate…"

Apparently the last word should have been 'now'.

"Albie!" Snape hugged the old man.

"Merlin…I didn't dream it," Dumbledore moaned.

"Alas," Voldemort muttered, "this is the last time I ask Wormtail for entertainment."

"Daffodil," Snape corrected.

"What?" duel voices asked.

"Daffodil. Wormtail sounds so…nasty. Treacherous. People will live up to their name, you know. Giving him a name like that is just asking for trouble. Now he has a nice, sweet sounding name. Like Sirius Violet."

"If Sirius had a grave he'd be spinning in it," Dumbledore sighed.

"First, we are going to do some trust excercizes," Snape said, ignoring the mutterings.

"Albie, stand over there. Voldie, stand in front of him. Cross your arms, and let yourself fall backwards. Albie, you catch him."

The two men stared at him in indignation.

"Ah. Well. Tough crowd. Very well, let's have it out in the open. Voldie, why do you have difficulty loving Albie?"

"Bloodtraitor…manipulative bastard…hated me from the first day we met…was only eleven."

"Ah, so you believe Albie never gave you a fair chance, and thereby, denied himself the opportunity to love you. Albie, why do you have trouble loving Voldie?"

"I was frightened," Dumbledore said, "such control at such a young age, and such willingness to hurt others…steal from others…"

"I lived in a freaking orphanage," Voldemort shrieked, "I had to defend myself, and everyone stole from everyone! I had to survive!"

"Yet you turned evil!" Dumbledore countered.

"That old fool Dippet kept sending me back, and you kept forbidding me to defend myself! What do you think my summers were like after that? Do you know what they DID to me, those filthy Muggles?"

Now Voldemort and Dumbledore were facing each other, screaming. Which would've been more impressive if Dumbledore hadn't still been wearing his nightcap, and Voldemort had chosen to wear his 'I hate Muggles' shirt instead of his Elmo one.

Snape began chanting, danced around them and threw herbs into the air.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" they both snapped.

"Dispelling the angry feelings," Snape responded.

"Let's try meditation. Sit down, cross your legs and relax. Breath in…and out…and in…and out…"

The two panted heavily, never taking their eyes off the other.

"Good!" Severus happily said, "now, I think we can all benefit from a group hug. Embrace each other and tell each other you let go of the pain of the past."

Just as Voldemort and Dumbledore were about to throttle him, a rat carrying a wand in his mouth sneaked up to them, transformed, aimed at Snape and shakily said: "Finite!"

Then he transformed again and ran like hell.

Snape blinked.

"By Salazar, what on earth am I wearing?" he asked in horror. Then he realized who he was with, and where.

"What…what…" Slowly memories came back to him and he paled.

"WORMTAIL!" he screamed, "YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

Voldemort looked at Dumbledore. Dumbledore looked at Voldemort. Voldemort and Dumbledore looked at Snape. Snape avoided all eyecontact.

"I think," Dumbledore slowly began, "that this never happened. I also think that Cornelius Fudge will soon suffer from memory loss concerning a Death Eater anti-war demonstration. I think the Daily Prophet will tomorrow claim that it was an elaborate prank."

Voldemort nodded. "I think my Death Eaters will have no recollection of this once they stop their substance abuse. I also think you may very soon find a certain rat on your doorstep…but since Severus gets first dibs, don't expect him in one piece."

They nodded. "This never happened," they agreed.

Severus let out a feral growl and stalked off towards the castle.

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

"Oh Daffodil," a soft voice called.

Wormtail felt his insides freeze in panic as he recognized the voice. Hiding under the bed had not saved him after all.

"S-Severus…please…" he begged pitifully, scrambling up and trying to find an escape route.

"Do you know what could have happened?" Severus slowly walked up to the cowering man until he was backed into a corner, "ALL of us sitting around the ENTRANCE to the bloody MINISTRY itself, Daffy! If Fudge wasn't so incompetent…"

"And Albus kept him in check," he gratefully added silently to himself.

"I didn't…didn't know…" Wormtail trembled.

"You shouldn't play with spells you don't know, Daffodil," Snape's small smile was truly ominous to see, "shall I show you why?"

With a quick flick of his wand, Wormtail was bound and dangling from the ceiling.

"I have this obscure spellbook," Snape said conversationally, "It's from my grandparent's library. Remember them, Wormtail? Dark Wizards? Anyway, no one seems to remember what these spells do. So I will just have to try them out, won't I?"

Wormtail wet his pants.

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Dinner in the Great Hall came to an abrupt end that night when a figure descended from the rafters in a spandex blue suit with a red cape.

"SUPERMAN!" the Muggleborn and Halfbloods cheered. But as the figure approached, they realized that this Superman looked more like Danny DeVito than Dean Cain. Such people should avoid spandex at all costs, the collective student body agreed.

Flowers suddenly dropped onto the masses – Daffodils.

"T-There was a wizard –sort of- in Scotland," the trembling superman began,

"who once all too freely waved his wand

He now pays the bill

As a sweet daffodil

Now do check his arm from that brand!"

Wormtail tearfully choked his way through the Limerick. Snape grinned from his place at the staff table, and nodded in satisfaction.

Wormtail would pay. Now all he had to do was to convince Lucius that his Superman suit had gone missing in the Death Eater laundry basket.

He discreetly felt his right wrist. Hopefully, Bella would never miss the wooden bracelet…

THE END


End file.
